Talking about a 'problem'

If you are a young bride, still feeling your way in your marriage, trying to understand the new man in your life, the most daunting thing that can happen early in the marriage is an argument or a small fight with your husband. How do you deal with it especially as you hardly know the man you are dealing with?

Most of us find it very difficult to talk openly to our husbands whenever we have a problem or a complaint. In many instances we are scared that it might just degenerate into a fight. For most of us, the dining table is the place for family discussions and we hesitate to bring up any complaints at that time for the fear that it might wreck a possible peaceful evening well spent at home. Sometimes when the problem does get discussed at the table, all that results is a holy war of words which might take off at a tangent leaving the main problem unsolved. So how do we ‘talk it over’ with the least negative results?

Here are some positive ways in which you could approach a problem that is ripe for discussion.

• Begin in such a way that you do not hurt your husband. Causing unhappiness will not solve the problem. If there is no positive response from the other party, simply postpone the whole thing for a more appropriate moment.
• Be clear and brief about what you are complaining about. There is no point in making unnecessary demands and showing any disrespect towards your spouse.
• Lay your point of view on the table and listen to your spouse’s opinion. Find out his reasons for not agreeing with you.
• Every problem comes with a built-in solution. Remember this and discuss all angles with your husband. What you have to be wary about is that there is no sacrifice involved or no gain for one at the expense of the other, as this would defeat the whole purpose of the brainstorming session.
• Once you have arrived at all the possible solutions, select the one that comes closest to gaining both your approvals and see how far it solves the problem. If it does not, begin the brainstorming all over again.

However there are a few Don’ts that you have to be careful about when seeking joint solutions.

• Never force your spouse to agree to do something he feels very strongly about. Do not make any demands without any consideration for his feelings. Do not issue threats. If you make a gentle and thoughtful request will have a positive response and shows your willingness to listen to his point of view.
• It will be wise to never be judgemental or disrespectful. Never begin by saying â€"It’s all your fault”. Always try to persuade him to agree to whatever you are saying, but never force your opinion down his throat.
• Never begin with an angry shouting or belligerent attitude. It is almost as if you have assumed that he is not going to agree with you. This kind of negative attitude will only serve to slowly kill your husband’s love for you.

The most important point to remember is that you should never ever let any problem fester until it is magnified beyond any solution. Try and meet both your emotional needs by not hurting each other and try and understand each other’s point of view. This way, your understanding and love for each other will only have an upward curve resulting in a totally fulfilling marriage.