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Most marriages begin with a period of excitement. Negative feelings are swept aside by the optimism of both partners as they begin to share a future. In this initial phase, love is blinder than it will ever be again. These positive feelings help a couple face the often daunting issues of the first year. Money - who handles it and how it's allocated - is a key issue for many couples. Time apart versus time together, division of household responsibilities, even who controls the television remote, are among the issues couples must begin to hammer out. This is complicated by the fact that almost everyone enters marriage with preset ideas of what a marriage relationship should be, and often unconsciously tries to recreate their parent's marriage. Danger: Ideas of what a marriage should be get in the way of true intimacy, forcing you to re-enact roles instead of relating honestly to each other. Opportunity: Acknowledge and let go of your learned ideas of what a marriage should be. Face down your preconceived notions of marriage and you can decide what really works for you, forming a good foundation for the next phases of marriage. Try this: At separate times, discuss each of your parent's relationships and how you related to and felt about each family member. (Do it on your own if your husband isn't into it. It will still be helpful.) Therapists call this a "genogram," which is like a family tree with emotional notes. Looking at your separate pasts will often reveal surprising underlying dynamics in your marriage: a largely unconscious collusion...to re-stage some version of a family drama Questions to ask each other: - How did your parents relate to each other? To your siblings?
- Where did you fit in?
- Who was your friend or ally in the family?
- Who was a problem for you?
- What was your relationship like with each of your parents? Your siblings?
- What are your family members doing today?
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