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From a Lover to a Mother To go from being a person to being a mother is the major psychological shift for a woman. And to go from being a couple to being a family is also big. With the arrival of a child, the possibilities for a conflict increase. Your needs zoom, so the chances for disappointment are great. The changes and adjustments that come with a baby can be overwhelming. In addition to the time-consuming demands of changing diapers and feeding, questions of who should shoulder which responsibilities, parenting styles, not to mention the issue of making room in the relationship for this seemingly all-consuming new priority, can all become battlegrounds. Becoming parents triggers new sets of unconscious expectations, both about child rearing and about yourselves. Unless both partners try consciously to create their own parenting style, there is a tendency to re-enact the same roles as their parents. Most men don't have fathers who cared for them when they were babies, and it's often easier to fall into the role of 'workaholic' while the mother assumes the 'nurturing' role. The child may also become an unwitting partner in an emotional triangle as resentments and unresolved problems slink out in strange forms. He might be constantly getting into trouble; and that's because it's the only time his father really pays attention to him. Danger: Pre-programmed ideas of parenting roles interfere with forging a marriage and family style that works. Opportunity: Create a strong healthy family that encourages all members to grow as individuals in a loving, supportive setting. Try this: Read and discuss childrearing books to break out of scripted roles and find effective ways to deal with your children's stages of development. Agree on family rules (never let children play one parent against the other) and consider having a weekly family meeting to discuss problems.
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