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 Some warning signals you should keep an eye on.
Let’s take a break. Before worrying about how to bring back the sweetness in marriage, let’s take a look at what causes a marriage to go sour. Dream Notions: Both men and women enter into marriage with very abstract notions of the sort of life partner they want. Often, ideas are nebulous and they are unable to point a finger at what exactly they want out of their spouse. As a result, every small gesture, every little action or response of the spouse that goes against their desire, hurts or disillusions them. Unrealistic Expectations: Often our expectations from our spouse are high and unrealistic. Men often expect their wives to remain the slim beauties they married, age and motherhood notwithstanding. Women expect their men to be the macho heroes they see in the movies. We walk into a marriage expecting it to be a never-ending fairytale. We dream of spending evenings watching the sunset, holding hands and snuggling cosily on the sofa enjoying our favourite soap on TV. But when soiled dishes, unpaid bills, dirty linen and wailing babies stare us in the face, the hard reality hits us and trouble in a marriage begins. For instance, a woman may enter into matrimony with a firm unshakeable belief that her man is the Mr. Right for her till he starts coming home at unearthly hours every day. Little does she realise that he perhaps might be tackling a crisis at his workplace. Absence of Communication: Many of us do not communicate our grouses and complaints about our spouse to him. We bear a grudge but keep it close to our chest. The resentment builds up, till one day we spew venom on our unsuspecting spouse and in extreme cases, pack our bags and leave. Women are often known to share their dissatisfaction about their spouse with a close friend, but keep the husband himself in the dark about it. Strange but true. The poor man is expected to be an all-knowing seer who should be able to read though the woman’s heart and mind. After all, isn’t marriage all about telepathic communication ? Yes, but should it not be both ways? How many times is the woman able to see through her husband’s heart and mind? Playing the teacher: A women tries to fit her husband into her ideal image. But when the spouse fails to live up to her expectations, she hopes and endeavours to change him. A woman never lets go of an opportunity to tell her husband what he should/should not do. She feels it is her responsibility to help him grow and evolve. The man on the other hand, feels restricted and controlled. What he wants is her acceptance. Adjusting the Lever: Often, economic disparities and differences in background, which were not even considered worthy of thought before marriage, begin to rear up their ugly heads and become of paramount importance. Since prevention is better than cure, its always better to assess our ability to adjust and adapt to each other's lifestyles, habits and income differences, prior to getting married. However, if we’ve missed the bus there, the best and only way out is to understand, appreciate, respect and adapt to each other’s ways. Bitter fights over finance and child rearing, pettiness, criticism, contempt and being on the defensive, spell disaster for the marriage. Incompatibility: Incompatibility can be on the sexual, emotional or intellectual front, and is one of the most basic reasons for strains in marital relationships. For two people to get together and stay married there has to be some common ground or interest. Incompatible partners often do not understand each other’s mood changes, are insensitive to each other’s needs and do not allow each other to express their innermost feelings. Role Reversal: We are living in the age of transition. The man’s and the woman’s roles in marriage are not segregated any more into watertight compartments. The woman’s world is no longer limited to the home and hearth. She has now broken the traditional male bastions and in addition, plays the role of the provider as well. The man knows and understands this, but deep down still expects her to be the perfect homemaker. The women on her part, expects her husband to take over the kitchen in her absence, and offer his strong supportive shoulders as well, in times of trouble. So, though men and women of today have moved ahead with the times, they have not yet shed their ancient moulds of femininity and masculinity. Wavering Commitments: Finally it all boils down to the commitment with which we enter into the marriage. Unlike in the days of our parent’s generation, today most of us get into this relationship without assessing our own capability to give, without being prepared for mutual shortcomings, and without being sure of our commitment towards the marriage. Consequently we fail to keep our promises and back out for our own selfish reasons, causing a breach of trust and a rift in the relationship.
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