|
 Practical steps to take if you're being abused Admit the need for change in your life. Many women have taken bold and courageous steps to seek help, to find freedom from abuse, and to begin the journey toward a new life. Some have even seen their abusers find the help they desperately needed to stop their destructive behaviour and to experience healing and recovery in their own lives. Some couples, through the help of intervention and a structured, guided recovery process, have been able to experience true healing and reconciliation in their marriages.
Yes, it is true that change does take time, a lot of courage, and a great deal of support, but change can happen. And if you are in an abusive situation, change must occur.
Women do not stay in abusive relationships because they like being abused. Nor is it true that only weak, helpless women are caught up in abusive relationships. These are just myths. Many of the women who are involved in abusive relationships are strong, capable women, but who, over time, have been weakened by domestic abuse. In fact, it is often the strongest women who will stay the longest, because they are determined not to give up, convinced that they can change or fix their relationship. Here are some typical reasons a woman stays with an abusive husband and does not seek the help she needs: - She still loves him.
- She feels sorry for him, and believes she can help him.
- She feels the good times outweigh the bad.
- She believes if she can work harder to please him, he will treat her better.
- She blames herself and thinks she deserved the beatings.
- She may think other people will believe it's her fault.
- Her abuser threatens to kill her, to kill others and/or himself if she leaves him.
- She feels she cannot financially support herself and/or her children.
- She has no other support system available (friends, family, etc.).
- She fears being alone.
- She stays because of religious or cultural beliefs (i.e., believing she is abandoning God or her parent's values if she leaves).
- She believes leaving will mean she is a failure as a wife and mother.
- She does not know her legal rights and feels she has no options.
- She stays because of the children.
- She doesn't know anywhere she can move.
- She is too afraid or feels too powerless to leave.
If you have children, you have another very important reason for change. Studies show that one third of the children who witness the battering of their mothers demonstrate significant behavioral and/or emotional problems. Children may develop problems such as depression, anger and hostility, isolation, drug and/or alcohol use, and more. They may attempt to get attention through violent behavior, such as lashing out or treating pets cruelly, or by threatening siblings or mother with violence. Seek outside help and guidance.
Do not try to make changes on your own. You will need help during the recovery process, and you will need help as you address the abuse in your marriage relationship.
This is a great time to strengthen your support base of key relationships in your life - your family members, friends, and others. These relationships may be estranged if your husband has isolated you from them. These people can be of great help to you; they can provide a listening ear, a place to go, financial support, and many other things in your time of need. They also can help provide safety if the situation is dangerous.
Determine your level of danger and develop a safety plan.
Now that you have acknowledged the problem and realise that there is a need for change in your life, you must determine whether or not your safety is at risk as you attempt to live free of fear, violence, and intimidation.
Keep in mind that if you decide to leave your home to protect yourself from physical harm, your husband may view your leaving as betrayal or rejection. He may become even more violent as a result. That is why you need to develop your safety plan with outside counsel and guidance. You may even need the help and protection of the police. Do not make your plans alone!
Move toward reconciliation.
One of the most important questions you will ask yourself as you journey toward recovery from abuse is, "Is there hope for my marriage?" Many of your friends and family may tell you to get a divorce, that reconciliation is all but impossible.
Reconciliation in cases of domestic violence is a long and difficult process. In many cases, a wife will need to separate (perhaps for months or even years) from her husband in order to ensure her safety, recover from her ordeal and then pursue reconciliation. But before turning to divorce, we recommend that you first pursue reconciliation.
| 
