|
By some estimates, 60 percent of married men and women stray from the fold at least once. So whatever you hope and believe, it is possible an affair could shake your marriage. And if it does, it won't be pretty.
Remarkably, the marriages that survive an affair, and even thrive after it, are those in which the partners talk the most about the affair - often every day for months - and in which the cheaters reveal everything their mates want to know. Even more remarkably, a majority of those who thoroughly dissected their affairs, said that their marriages were actually better after the affair than before it.
Betrayal by a spouse turns your world upside down. But never under estimate the power of open, honest communication to heal a marriage.
If one partner has an affair, it doesn't necessarily mean there are problems in a marriage. Other things pull people into affairs - excitement or ego. But if husband and wife aren't communicating openly in the first place, that pull will be much harder to resist.
FIRST STEP TOWARD HEALING: TALK
A revelation of infidelity forces partners to talk - first about the affair itself, but ultimately about the marriage and their deepest selves. The betrayed partner has so many questions that desperately need to be answered. What is it that attracted you to this person? What was going on in our marriage that let this happen? What made you end the affair? If the betrayer is willing to answer every question, the couple may find they are talking intimately for the first time in years, even for the first time ever.
If you've been cheated on, your partner's willingness to tell the details is more significant than the details themselves. If the cheater won't tell you what you need to know, you'll wonder how you can ever trust this person to be fair and considerate in the future.
Withholding the details of an affair is harmful for another reason. Maintaining the secrecy maintains the excitement and can preserve an inflated view of the lover.
WHY YOU SHOULDN'T SPARE THE GRISLY DETAILS
Many marital therapists advise against focusing on the affair and particularly against exposing the hurt partner to the gory details. To the cheating spouse, filling in the details may feel like rubbing salt in both partners' wounds-and indeed, the cheated-on spouse may never be able to forget those graphic images. But sometimes this pain is preferable to being left in the dark. Many betrayed spouses experience symptoms similar to the post-traumatic stress suffered by rape or crime victims: hyper-arousal, hyper-vigilance, obsessive ruminating, intrusive thoughts, and flashbacks. What helps people recover from trauma is to re-establish safety, and one step is by going over the story of the trauma.
Yet there is such a thing as hearing too many details, and it can be as destructive as not hearing enough. You have to figure out what it is you really need to know. Ask yourself: Will this information help me or destroy me?
BACK UP HONESTY WITH ACTION
For a couple to move beyond this tortuous post-affair stage, the hard-won honesty between them must be sacrosanct: Even the smallest lie from the unfaithful partner can shake the couple's new foundation.
A commitment to honesty, of course, is only one step toward healing. The unfaithful spouse must show compassion for the hurt he or she has caused and be willing to look deep within to find to find out why he or she strayed. The betrayer must also find ways to make the hurt partner feel safe and loved again.
| 
