How to remove the tag of 'Evil Stepmother'

Fairy tales have firmly embedded in our minds the myth that all stepmothers are evil and come laden with evil intentions. With second marriages now a dime a dozen, it is time to explode this myth.

When you decide to take the big step and say ‘yes’ to an already married but divorced man, you have to be aware of what such a move entails. First of all, you have taken up a tough but not impossible job. It is not going to be easy to adjust to a ready family, already set in its ways and habits. Your job will be somewhat easier if his children have accepted you, but otherwise, be prepared for frustrations that might make you want to quit.

• Give the children time. They are young and have to adjust to a new person, who for all purposes, is a replacement for their biological mother. Be prepared to be blamed for everything that goes wrong in their lives at least, initially.
• There is nothing like opening the doors of communication. Discuss everything openly with your husband with the children present. Explain how you feel about certain things and how you would like to see them changed.
• Initially, you will be perceived as a threat by the kids, who will believe you have come to steal their father away from them. They might try their best to come between their dad and you, and you have to tolerate those really frustrating moments. Try to dispel their doubts and instill confidence in them that your intentions are far from that.
• Never, ever, talk ill of their real mother. There is nothing that will put off the kids more than that!
• Make your own set of rules for the house and compare it with those of your husband. Make compromises where necessary and then present the final set of rules to the kids. This way, there will be no misunderstanding between you and your husband.
• Discuss the kids with your husband and arrive at a decision about how to discipline them.
• Never change your stance. The more you keep changing, the more you will be perceived as a weakling who can be twisted around to their advantage.
• Try never to lose your temper in their presence. They might deliberately do or say things to make you angry. If you react strongly they might use it as a means to provoke you into a rage. Instead, act cool and they will cool off too.
• Be supportive of your husband in all issues – whether it is in child custody or bringing up the kids.
• Once you clearly understand your position, once you are fully aware of the fact that you are a stepmother and cannot replace the biological mother except superficially, your battle would have been won. Just remember that you are but a caretaker and caregiver and have no real say in major decisions concerning the kids – unless of course, they have grown so fond of you that they bestow this right on you.

It will do you a world of good to realize, even when you are taking the major step towards marrying a divorced man, that it might take either just a couple of weeks or even a couple of years before you can feel comfortable and accepted in your new family. The guidelines we have given you may help to make your journey easier – so why don’t you try them out?

Are you a stepmother, and a successful one at that? Why don’t you share your experiences on Sitagita’s Women’s Blogs and let other women who are floundering for help benefit from your wisdom.