All of us get caught in challenges or conflicts while raising our kids. That's not at all uncommon. But it is all about how we deal with such situations. Sometimes, we get so mired in conflict that we actually lose sight of all those happier times. And in many cases along with our spirit, the spirit of the relationship gets lost too. Thus immersed in the conflict, we may even lose sight of all the mutual love, and then bad feelings and behaviour escalate to such an extent that we even begin to see each other almost as villains. And this is especially so during the 'terrible teens'. Healing, even if it's between a parent and child does take some time.

Some parents turn to counselling in a bid to restore the relationship and look for strategies to deal with children's behaviour. They seek methods of disciplining their kids and this is okay as the kids also need to learn about limits and to internalise rules. But while doing so, it is important not to focus just on behaviour and discipline as it is likely that resentment might continue to build up on both sides. In all this one tends to leave out a vital ingredient which is so important for both the parent and the child to feel good about themselves and the relationship. And that vital ingredient is, funnily enough, the joy in the relationship.

When you express your joy in children, you are making them realise how much of value they are to you and how much you cherish the relationship. When a child feels and experiences their parents' joy in him, it can make any resentment or bad feelings fade. Because the attention is diverted more to the good times one has had rather than just being mired in conflict, it helps in faster healing too. It paves the way for a kind of emotional energy which in turn helps to talk and discuss, rather than rely on control and enforcement.

Sometimes, when as a parent you feel totally frustrated, just thinking of the joy the children have brought to you and revisiting the times when it was so easy to love them will bring their preciousness back in full force. Therapists have the following suggestions for finding joy in children.

• Watch your children when they are asleep and find the joy welling up in you.
• Catch them when they are doing something right and feel the pride and joy.
• Tell them often of the pleasure and pride you take in them and watch them bloom.
• Think of the times when they gave you laughter and joy and you will have tears in your eyes.

This way, by finding and expressing the joy in your children, you will pave the way for them to grow into responsible adults who will also be your friends. The magic of joy will see you through rough times; it may not fully resolve conflicts but will certainly give you a better and more balanced perspective and patience to deal with any situation involving your kids.

Mired in conflict with your kids? Just find the joy in them and see the magic work!

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