When a loved one passes away, we find that the grieving patterns among the family members are not necessarily the same. Men, women and even children have their own ways of reacting and trying to cope with the loss. They may not all express their feelings in the same way and any failure to respect or understand this may result in hurt feelings and conflicts in the family. These often get magnified during those troubled days following the loss of a family member.

• A 'thinking' person speaks of grief in an intellectual way. He tends to gather all the facts, analyses them thoroughly, makes informed decisions and believes in taking appropriate action to solve the problems. He seems outwardly strong and dispassionate, thus appearing to the others as cold and unfeeling, even uncaring.

• 'Feeling' persons, on the other hand, experience a full gamut of emotions when confronted with the loss of a loved one. They tend to grieve emotionally and are in tune with the sensitive reactions of the others. They are often overwhelmed and devastated by grief and are unable to think rationally. Some even turn to drugs or alcohol in an attempt to cope with the loss, especially when they are unable to give full expression to their grief.

• Males tend to react in a very physical way when they suffer the loss of a loved one. They tend to put their feelings into action by focusing on goal-oriented activities which require a lot of thinking, doing and acting. Instead of spending every moment talking about or indulging in crying over the loss, a man might throw himself into planning a memorial, or busy himself in carrying out the person's last wishes with a sense of purpose. These kinds of activities allow a man to have a sense of potency and accomplishment as he enters his grief, even as it provides him with an escape route once his task is done. While discussing his loss with friends, he will relate it to activities he might have enjoyed in the person's company and which he now misses sorely. He might give vent to his feelings with tears, but that will only be in the privacy of his room or when he is alone. This might make him seem unfeeling and cold, but this is a typical male reaction.

• Women, on the other hand, tend to be more open with their feelings. Their reaction will be more on an emotional level and they might have a greater need to express their feelings to others who can sympathise with them without being judgemental. Often enough, they are criticised for being sentimental and for giving way to tears in their grief.

• Children also grieve for a loved one's loss, but in a very different way from that of adults. Their reaction depends on their age and their cognitive and emotional development. More than anything else, children need their parents to be honest with them and expect accurate and factual information. They need freedom to express their opinions and want to be part of family discussions and decisions - all of which will help them to explore and come to terms with their loss.

It is important to respect individual reactions of family members when there is a loss of a loved one. It pays to be non-judgemental and empathetic as that is what will eventually help the family to cope with their grief and take them forward to facing life and taking up fresh responsibilities.

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