Parents in India, sons and daughters in other countries a growing concern today? Well, my main concern is the about caring for our aging parents. I strongly believe that our aged parents should not be left alone to fend for themselves; they need the love and support of their children whether they are with them or abroad. The huge number of ageing parents are 'left behind' in India by their ambitious offspring is growing alarmingly. With millions of young Indians settling in far-flung countries for money and a better quality of life, is the Indian family on the verge of collapse? Parents and children - divided by lands and oceans - reveal their bittersweet experiences and emotions. All 'left behind' ageing parents say that young people should know that life is only a life- span and what they face today, the sons and daughters too will face when they see the twilight of their lives.

It is very heartbreaking to see and hear the heartrending tales of 'left behind' parents. There are a vast number of elders in India who are helpless without their children. The truth is that young expatriates who discover riches and freedom for the first time in life, do not want the burden of old, ailing parents and the best way to avoid this responsibility is to cut away all communication and disappear, as it were, in the ocean of people in other countries.

Is it not the responsibility of the sons and daughters to bring smiles and comfort to their 'left behind' parents? To begin with, they should STAY IN TOUCH! That's half the battle won, say most parents. They should volunteer help - financial or other - in case of sickness or need of any kind. If parents don't need every-month remittances, children should definitely send birthday money or generous gifts for holidays etc. If monthly remittances are the need, then faraway children should aim at sending between Rs.10, 000 to Rs.40, 000, depending on their own incomes and their parents' usual standard of living. It is hurtful for elderly parents to be forced to cut down on their lifestyle gradually because of rising prices and their downslide to poverty. Most important, money should never be given as a 'grudging duty' because this hurts parents more than anything. Children should give money in the same spirit of love that parents show when they give unconditional support to their offspring!

Recently my eye caught an ADVT. which showed an elderly couple, happily going to the airport to receive their son, who was returning from the USA after becoming a rich NRI. The parents obviously carry great dreams in their hearts - they expect that the son will now marry and bring home a daughter-in-law and that they will take care of the parents! Alas, the son brings his American daughter-in-law along and - as if this is not enough to shock the old parents - there is the loud wailing of a baby in the background!!!!!

It is but natural that young people will seek greener pastures and parents have to find their own salvation however it is a shame when faraway sons and daughters neglect their parents. Bad health and old age are the million-dollar questions. They too will face these questions one day and that is why they must do their duty now. This is our culture and all young Indians living abroad should be aware of this. But does anyone care for the aged parents??

It is clear that after God parents are the persons who give us innumerable favors. They provide protection, food and clothing to the newly born. The mother sacrifices her comforts and sleep to provide comfort to her children. The father works hard to provide for their physical, educational and psychological (and spiritual) needs. It is a matter of common courtesy that if a person does you some favor you feel obliged to him. Verbally you say 'thank you' to him. You try to repay and compensate him for his gifts and favors. You feel a sense of gratitude towards him. So it is with God and with parents. God's favors cannot be counted or repaid except by thanking Him and obeying His orders. After God our parents deserve our thanks and obedience for the favors they have done for us. That's why our Bible lays stress on feeling grateful to parents, and doing good to them. "And your Lord has ordained that you shall worship none save Him and shall do your parents a good turn." What does a 'good turn' mean? It includes obeying them, speaking softly, avoiding harsh words or harsh tone, giving them company when they are lonely, caring for their physical and psychological needs (especially in their old age), and praying to God that He may bless them and have mercy on them. But do the so called modern generation have the time and patience for caring their parents???

As to the reward for doing good to our parents, the following story comes to my mind: "Three persons of ancient days were once traveling in a mountainous region. The rain, thunder and lightning made them take refuge in a cave. Mudslide made a stone block the opening to the cave. The persons were entrapped inside. When the storm stopped they tried to push back the heavy stone to get out of the cave but they could not. They wondered 'what to do now'. At last seeing that their joint efforts also cannot move the stone they decided to pray to God sincerely. One of them suggested, 'each one of us should relate one good thing he has done in his life and beg God to move the stone. One said, "One night my old mother asked me to bring a cup of milk for her. During the time I milked the goat and brought it to her she had gone to sleep. I did not think it proper to disturb her. So I stood by her bedside for the whole night till she got up in the morning and then I offered her the cup of milk. O God, if this act of mine was approved by You please shift this stone." The stone slipped a little but not enough to let them get out. Similarly, the second and the third man mentioned an act of goodness and prayed to God to shift the stone. The stone slipped down and the entry to the cave opened up. So the men got out. This story shows how service to one's parents leads to blessings from God and rescue from troubles

Parents have a right to be respected and obeyed by children. All parents are well wishers of children. It is often difficult to come to terms with the fact that a parent is aging and may at some point need our assistance. We somehow expect that they will carry on indefinitely in the role they have played in our lifetime. Even when our parents have chronic illness and failing health, we often react to each crisis as it arises but avoid looking further down the road to our parent's future care needs.

We are all so accustomed to our parents caring for us that it is so very hard when the roles reverse. We see our parents as young, strong, and invincible. But, as they age we notice how weak they have become and how much they rely on their children to help them now. Life has started changing and no longer do the children care for the parents. Dealing with your aging parents is not easy and while it is hard to see your parents grow old and need assistance and love of their children. But do the children have the time to care for their aging parents????

Caring for your aging parents is something you hope you can handle when the time comes, but it's the last thing you want to think about. Whether the time is now or somewhere down the road, there are steps that you can take to make your life (and theirs) a little easier. Some people live their entire lives with little or no assistance from family and friends. I for one know so many incidents, where aging parents may experience feelings of despair, sadness and anger. For example; one of our friend is feeling intense loneliness due to the loss of her husband. Furthermore, her self-esteem and sense of independence may be threatened as she realizes that she now needs help with day-to-day activities such as shopping or getting to a doctor's appointment. These feelings and experiences have overwhelmed her. At the same time, her family members may not understand why grandma or mom is behaving in such a different way. Being aware of many life changes that the elderly face, Do the children even bother to devote their time to look after their affairs??

A friend of mine - Joe has a difficult time telling his mother that he doesn't need another wife and Sarah is exactly what he needs. His mother can't take no for an answer and even goes as far as faking a heart attack to gain the sympathy of her son. Is Joe really stuck between a rock and a hard-place? You have to respect your parents by not breaking their heart into a million pieces. I believe that Joe has to give due respect and time to his mother as it was she who has sacrified her life to bring him up after the death of her husband. It is times like this, that Joe has to pay for his mother's good deeds towards him. However, he has to juggal between the love of his mothers and his wife as he is bound to do that. He cannot run from the reality and ignore the feelings of his old mother now. It is times like these when our parents attain old age, that we should not repulse them or look at them as a burden, but speak to them a gracious word, comfort them and be cool and obedient, humble and kind to them. It is very necessary to be considerate to our old parents.

If someone came to you today and offered you a free lunch, what would be your response? No doubt you would smile, speak kindly to them, and reserve a special place in your heart for their memory. Why is it then that our parents receive only cold stares, harsh words and bitter treatment when they are the most important persons in our lives? For years they fed us, clothed us, washed us, and showered their mercy on our soft skin. Their love for us never dies even if we do, love that goes even beyond us, to our children and even their children.

Well, we all have parents - whether they are with us or not -many have not understood the severity of their position in our lives and their right to be respected and revered. Let us think about how many of us treat our parents well. We shy away from them when they may need something. We never visit if we are away from them. In fact, many people dispose of their parents in retirement homes. And when an argument ignites between our parents and us, many of us shout at them as if we were arguing with our evilest enemy. For many of us, our friends are more precious to us than our parents. Forgetful we are of the time the great sacrifices made by our parents for our sake. What pleases our parents comes before everything. We would all like to enter Paradise, isn't???? Look down...... and you will find paradise at the feet of your mother.

What I foresee, is that the main concern of today is that the bond between the parents and children is slowly dying off. Is this what modern day education is all about?? Well if it is so, then I would rather be un-educated and still love my parents, as life is too short to have grudges, you only realise this when you have a grudge against some one and you don't talk to that person for a long time and suddenly somebody tells you that the person is no more, then what do you do? Go to heaven to say hello to that person????????? So, let us try and make this world a better place, specially for our old parents and others too. Sometime back I met a frail and well-dressed old widow in her early 80's who lived all by herself in an apartment. Her air of complete loneliness allied with a quiet dignity touched me. She told me that she has only one son, and he is based in Canada, and does not bother for her as he is occupied with his family and his job. I blurted out impulsively "Why don't you visit us some day?" Of course she never came. But I decided to visit her and till date I do help her by doing her shopping, taking her for her medical checks, her bank jobs etc. She related me all those heart rendering stories of her son, admitted to feeling lonely and finding life difficult, many of them were sensitive of hurting feelings. The old lady is one of thousands who now form part of the fast swelling segment of the elderly - the parents of Non-Resident Indians who are left here to fend for themselves.

The youngsters leave when they are in their late teens or early twenties. The parents are then just in their late forties or early fifties. They want the best for their children and it is often that they who encourage the young to go abroad. When educational opportunities are blocked or denied, the best option seems to be to leave for universities outside the country. A section of the students and job seekers intends to return home. As the years go by, they get entrenched in fulfilling careers in the country of their migration and get used to a much better standard of living. And it becomes more and more difficult to come back.

I strongly believe that, ofcourse, it is alright when the children go abroad for greener pastures, but it should also be their main concern and moral duty to look after their aging parents and support them financially and see that their parents are comfortable back home. What irks me that once these children go abroad they just forget their parents and leave their parents to fend for themselves. The aches and pains begin as the ageing process inexorably sets in.

Finally I would like to end with a quote "" Your children need your Presence more than your Presents"""

. - ARLETTE AZAVEDO

Amongst the Privileged.

Women's thoughts, feelings, expressions.

I was loved from the moment I was born. Went to a co-ed school where there was no gender discrimination whatsoever, and until now, the lunchtime of my life, I can't complain of being any lesser than my husband, son, classmates, colleagues. I've played games, had my fun at parties, earned a living, enjoyed the income, spoken my mind freely and without fear of reprisal. Far away from the ghunghat clad sisters of rural India, I grew up confident, secure. Having had to do housework didn't reduce my privileges as an individual. Home, family and motherhood were mine. Providing and security were my husband's job. Teamwork. Nothing was inferior, nothing superior. When the need/opportunity arose and I took up a career in my forties, I didn't think I was any lesser/greater than before. Marriage had taken me to remote corners of the country where I saw a different situation. Women of my socio-economic background had no say in their marriages or their lives. Or so they claimed. They, too, had their freedom, but of a different kind. Conditioning did not allow them to have a say in many matters. For example, they had a say in what kind of groom they wanted, even whether they liked a certain boy or not, but weren't allowed pre-marriage romance.

What was surprising, they took PRIDE in dependency on the menfolk in simple matters. Mere se yeh bank ka kaam hota hi nahin, or, main to abhi tak market main kabhi akeli gaee hi nahin. The husbands loved it, too: meri mrs ko dhoop sahi nahi jati or who simple hai, bahar ki cheezon mein koi interest nahin letin. These women looked down on those (I'm a good example!!) who worked for a (not-needed) salary, and I found that surprising. I have little experience of the very poor and the totally illiterate; I'm talking of women who've been to college, from middle-class backgrounds. Between the 1970s and 1990s, many of these graduates did their B.Eds. and took up jobs not just to supplement incomes but to show that they weren't left behind. Came a time when the women who stayed at home were looked down upon. Still, the dependency on the husbands was enjoyed.

At another extreme, I discovered women who wanted so much of equality, that they HAD to work outside the home no matter how inconvenient the arrangement, husbands HAD to help in the house no matter how tired they were, where the tiniest statement (perceived to be) anti-them was construed to be anti-all-women. Such homes did suffer. Children were left with grandparents or in creches or with servants. Was it necessary? Why must I stay at home was the common question? Did it matter who stayed at home? Was/is that feminism? Liberation? I'm not sure. I know of several cases where really decent, caring men were accused of harassment for dowry. In a country where ill-treatment of brides over matters of wedding gifts is common, these men couldn't even defend themselves. I was surprised when a small town neighbour actually said, pointing to her husband, mere baap nay toh usko khareed liya. Whither mutual respect? And the same woman, had her husband beaten her, would have probably not grumbled. Paradox.

I can't understand why many women of my background are so pro-female that they end up being anti-men. Examples: if a woman is pregnant, it's now an in-thing to WANT only a female baby. What do we have against a cute baby boy? Are sons less than daughters? In certain circles, this reverse trend of moaning the birth of a boy is making its way. A couple I know wanted to adopt a baby. Girl or boy, I asked. Why, they said looking accusingly at me, girl of course. Like it was a stupid question to ask an educated couple, you know. Should not all couples/families hope and pray for HEALTHY, able babies instead? In the process of 'freeing' ourselves from the shackles of traditional womanhood, are we going towards the other extreme? It's all so confusing. The poor little female fetuses being aborted on the one hand, and the 'whoever wants a boy' on the other.

We've carried this gender business too far. Our anatomies are different. Does it really matter whether our temperaments/attitudes match or not? Must we make a big deal about it or get on with living a normal, fun, content life of routine, adjustments, tolerance, joy? Are men really our adversaries? In the hospital where I work, I find enough husbands devotedly caring for their wives. There are a few who've been real monsters to their wives. But I've seen some really nasty wives, too. And many kind and loving ones. Qualities of kindness, wickedness, ambition, loyalty, hard work are not gender specific. Yes, there are communities where the women work and work and the men enjoy the fruits. So also, there are communities were the men slog and the women sit back and have the fun.

When will we learn to be what we are without trying to become equal or superior? Maybe when we stop killing off our girls, maybe when those who are privileged like me participate more in what's happening around us, maybe when all children are healthy, educated, loved and wanted. I hope it happens in my lifetime, in my country.

-- Sheela Jaywant

If You Could Love Me One More Time.

She tried to act like she was in a deep sleep, she did not want him to start the morning by abusing her again. She was tired and hungry - she had not been able to eat. A broken jaw doesn't feel too good, she thought trying to humor herself. She remembered her boyfriend telling her that in hindsight everything seems like nothing. Everything is surrounded by an invisibility which increases as time passes. Why he had left her she didn't know. He wanted something better for her. But he was everything that she had wanted. She told him this and his reply was curt. He wanted time but he did not give her a promise of coming back.

She kept waiting and then got married to someone else. She could not have spent her entire life waiting for someone who just went away like a flash. She wanted to love and be loved. Neil seemed like the fairy tale lover who rescued her from the woes of depression. He was nice, caring, humorous with a good job and a good bank balance. Is it not what every girl wants?

The dreams shattered two years after her marriage. All she tried to find in Neil was the one guy who had left her with not even a promise of coming back. She knew her marriage was wallowing in the shallow waters dividing a divorce and compromise. She knew Neil had taken a lover, he used to disappear from home for days on end

And one day the door bell rang. It was him. She didn't know where he found her address from. All she wanted was to hug him and love him. She took a step forward and he brought out his hand. He told her that he had got married and her world ended there. She had waited for him and he had got married. She corrected herself and reminded him that she was married too. He knew about it and he didn't have a problem with it. He had loved her and he wanted her in his life again. She felt like floating and suddenly he took her in his arms. No sooner had he let her go, she felt him throughout her. She did not care about anyone else. She knew Neil did not care and neither did she. She would file the divorce papers soon.

He left as suddenly as he had come. He could not stay - he had some business to attend to. He gave her his number and asked her to call him when she wanted him to be there. She felt the shivers as she got up from the bed - her soul had never felt so light before. She made coffee and ate her heart's fill. She had never felt so ecstatic in years.

From then on, she chose her clothes and her make up closely. She wanted to look good for him. Neil had not come in weeks and she had sent the divorce papers to him. He had called to ask her if that was what she wanted and she answered in affirmative. She felt a twinge of sadness in his voice but chose to ignore it.

He was coming home today. She would ask him to divorce his wife and they would get married - the perfect happy ending. She wore her black dress and looked at herself in the mirror, "Not too bad Meera. You still have the old charm". She was flabbergasted by his reaction. He did not want to leave his wife, he loved her too much. If Meera had divorced Neil, it was her problem. He was happy with his life and did not want to change it for her. All he wanted was someone he could sleep with because his wife was pregnant and her hormonal rage did not allow her to make love. She tried to stop him and she tried with all her heart. It hurts to just be a 'sexual outlet'. That was when he hit her. That was when he started hitting her, she fell unconscious and woke up in the wee hours of the morning. She was naked and someone was in the bathroom. It smelled like him but she chose to act sleepy. He dressed and left.

She took a shower and let the cold water wash her sins. He had left her a note saying that Neil was staying alone in a rented accommodation in the farthest part of the city. She wanted to go and beg forgiveness from him but it didn't seem right. Why would he forgive her? She should not even have forgiven herself but don't all humans make mistakes.

She drove there and knocked on the door. She looked at her bruised face and decided to tell Neil the exact story. A young man opened the door - she asked for Neil and he narrowed his eyes at her. He asked her to come in and there he was, Neil the one man who tried to save their marriage, sitting and smoking with the one man she thought she had loved. They were laughing on her. She felt the hot tears but chose not to cry. She tried to run away but Neil blocked the door.

He rubbed the cigarette on her face. She winced but did not move. And then he just asked her to get out from his life.

Meera was walking home from office. It was New Year's Eve. She did not have to go to work but she wanted something to take her mind off the happiness around. Over the years, she had lost everything - her marriage, her family and her love and even the little child that was trying to grow inside her. She just walked the long path trying to numb her mind with work. She did not have anything left now. All she could think of was. If he could have loved her one more time..

- Khushboo Aulakh

Retirement.

Gazing at her small bundle of joy, Sonia really understood a mothers selfless love towards her children, especially daughters. Really a unique bond is developed between a mother and daughter, the moment a mother embraces her blessing in disguise, she is overwhelmed by the feeling of landing again on earth in a new form. She feels extreme happiness in giving all the happiness, which she can, to her daughter. Whatever a mother lacks in her life, wants to provide to her daughter by all means. During this journey a mother plays all sorts of roles to nurture her dearest darling. But sometimes, this pampering, over caring, and selfless love is often mistaken for over possessiveness, which according to the teen daughters is obstacle in their freedom and sometimes blame their mothers to be clingy. Moms forgive, because how can one punish oneself? She finds alternate ways to handle her daughter but never leaves her on her own. On the other hand, a daughter, on becoming mature tries to be a teacher, designer, caretaker and friend of her mother and always try to change her dear simple mom in every possible way. She often swaps her position with her mom whenever needed, mom smiles at this, and take this attitude as a complement. While parting physically, they exchange their hearts to beat for each other, forever. Sonia excitedly dialed her mobile, Mom.. How is she? was the reply. How you..knew.mom? Your jingling voice revealed everythingdarling! WHAT A MAGNETIC RELATIONSHIP!

I happened to read A few times letters addressed to DeStress column in a magazine regarding "retirement blues" wherein the authors have expressed their apprehensions of retirement life, were quite disturbing. It is very regrettable that some people consider that they would be a needy sitter at home after their retirement. In general, we would notice that most of the people are afraid of ageing. Needless to say, about the people with wrong notion that life after retirement would be hopeless.

It is very unfortunate that ageing is considered as misfortune in general in the present generation. Blame it on the society! In other words, we (society is none-other than people) hold responsibility for the misconception and wrong notion that ageing is a misfortune.

Indeed, in olden days older people were highly regarded and respected With gratefulness for they were the people with maturity, worldly wise, wise Out of practical experience of self and others. Pathetically we have been corrupted and became the victims of commercial and cosmetic world allured by their advertisements to defy the clock to look younger.

I admit appearance is important and apparently we may be allured to the beauty game of skin treatments. It may be fair enough if it enhances one's confidence. With the concept to look younger for longer we are misleading ourselves wrongly considering that ageing is miserable. Ageing is inevitable for each and every one of us, as long as we remain on This beautiful earth. Let us not afraid of aging. Instead accept the fact graciously and gladly and let's be mature enough to accept ageing.

Coming back to the letter writers concern on retirement blues, I would Like to share my father's experience as a retired person with hope that it Would to some extent wipe off his apprehension on the life after retirement.

My father is enjoying his retirement life for more than a decade. We are Six children to our parents and we never ever, considered him as a needy person at home. He never intrudes in anyone of our personal matters.He is happy and content with children' well being. He gladly advises on various personal issues and financial savings upon our request as an elderly and experienced person. He looks after all our financial issues. Whenever I feel guilty for troubling him, he pacifies us saying that it would be his time pass as well. It is a treasured sight when ever I see my father and mother sit and watch television together in leisure and discuss and argue upon various issues telecast on TV. Never did they find quality time to sit together and watch television at leisure during our childhood as my mother completely devoted all her time in bring us up and father was completely engrossed in his official matters most of his time. It is after his retirement that he had enough quality time to spend with his wife, children and grandchildren.

On the day of retirement when we asked him what was his feeling he Smiled smoothly and said "The old order changeth, yielding place to new. Like wise,older people need to retire yielding place to younger generation and that's how I got the job when I was young."A great notion indeed!Let us graciously and gladly enjoy every stage of our life - childhood, youth, middle age and older age and move on happily. Life after retirement doesn't mean to be the end, indeed it's the beginning of the life. Its time to relax; watch the world around at leisure with pleasure sans any pressure of responsibilities of bring up children and the like. Enjoy the rest of the life with wife spending quality time with her and grand children. If one is fit enough, they may consider doing social services as they say service to the society is service to the God.Let us all, as a society at least in the present generation try to wipe off the wrong notion that ageing is misfortune or miserable and be a good model to our future generation. Best of luck to all the people nearing retirement!

G.V.K.Durga Ravi.

Our viewer, Malini Satyanarayana, living in Saudi Arabia has some interesting thoughts to share on Parenting! She has two daughters, aged 2 and 4 years.

" Bringing up Kids" 

I have had quite a few experiences with kids. They are very smart in making the elders ( parents) do everything for them, and to give them everything, whatever they want. It is after all the parents decision whether to give or not, right? I have always made it a habit of telling my daughter some stories and make her change her mind changed and eventually follow what I am saying.

Sometimes I really wonder why we parents force our children to think like us, but no , we are all wrong. We too were children sometime, to our parents and we too have gone through such cases. I personally feel that we should not force our children to think in our way, but we should try to think in their way. Sometimes we feel frustrated , angry, tired what with doing all the house work ( without any help) we scold these little creatures for all our fault. In such cases I feel that the husband should help their wives at least on the weekends and holidays for a few hours , afterall we also need sometime for ourselves, right? So, both the parents should help each other and help bring up happy kids

S- Malini Satyanarayana .Kandukury

Relationship between mother and daughter

Gazing at her small bundle of joy, Sonia really understood a mothers selfless love towards her children, especially daughters. Really a unique bond is developed between a mother and daughter, the moment a mother embraces her blessing in disguise, she is overwhelmed by the feeling of landing again on earth in a new form. She feels extreme happiness in giving all the happiness, which she can, to her daughter. Whatever a mother lacks in her life, wants to provide to her daughter by all means. During this journey a mother plays all sorts of roles to nurture her dearest darling.

But sometimes, this pampering, over caring, and selfless love is often mistaken for over possessiveness, which according to the teen daughters is obstacle in their freedom and sometimes blame their mothers to be clingy. Moms forgive, because how can one punish oneself? She finds alternate ways to handle her daughter but never leaves her on her own.

On the other hand, a daughter, on becoming mature tries to be a teacher, designer, caretaker and friend of her mother and always try to change her dear simple mom in every possible way. She often swaps her position with her mom whenever needed, mom smiles at this, and take this attitude as a complement. While parting physically, they exchange their hearts to beat for each other, forever.

- Fatima